It’s really hard for me now knowing that my dad could possibly die in a year or two. I guess I was fine before because I didn’t know all of the details and how serious it was. I hate talking to my mom as if we know he’s about to die and discussing what we would do. I don’t want to cry in front of my mom and I hate when she cries in front of me. I started crying a little bit today when I told my mom that I didn’t want my dad dying without meeting my boyfriend that he doesn’t know I have. I hate myself for lying to him for so long. He’s had cancer for 4-5 years but we didn’t know because he never told us about his symptoms. We find out Monday if it’s spread to his lymph nodes and if it has than it’s about a 20% chance of survival. If it hasn’t he has a 70% chance. I told my boyfriend yesterday that I think we should stop hanging out so much because I need to spend time with my dad and my family. My mom says I should spend time with him while he’s still around. I can’t imagine life without my dad. It was kind of expected because colon cancer runs in his family but it just kills me that we could have stopped it. I hate hearing my mom talk about how she always looked forward to him playing with my children and them growing old together and how she never thought he wouldn’t be able to do that. I’m just so scared for Monday and I don’t know if I can handle bad news. I’m so thankful for my boyfriend and I’m glad I have him right now. I just need to stay positive and hopefully everything works out alright. I love my dad so much.